Celebrity Obituaries

Our options for which Golden Girl to bang has reached its last gasp of limitation.  Yes it’s true, children, Rue McClanahan is dead.  The lust-lorn spark plug that inspired a generation of nine year old boys to think about having sex with an awkwardly older woman has finally hit the money shot.  She’s with Gary now.

This is how I want to remember you.

What can be said about a woman who is responsible for the spilling of such a large amount of guilt-ridden, self-loathing semen?   The magnitude of her impact can only be compared to the likes of Natalie from The Facts of Life or female bodybuilders.  I thought I was over Rue a long time ago, but now that she’s gone those old feelings are creeping up on me again.  You know those feelings.  Those dusty old feelings you packed away with your chemistry notebook.  Those moth ball stenched feelings that so complemented Rue’s Vanilla Musk.

Middle School versions of a leaky faucet.

She was talented, vivacious, and made the most out of a relatively small rack.  In memoriam, Rue , the spank bank will only be distributing Rue bucks tonight.  One last time, Rue.  Me and you.

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