Staker’s Guide to Getting Through Finals

About two years ago when Drizzle and I simultaneously decided to go back to school, we knew that it was going to suck. We knew it was going to mean doing twice as much as we did in college in half the time, and we knew that the interest on our loans, new and old, would continue to accrue while we were doing it. But we did it anyway.

We did it anyway.

Now we’re stuck in finals like apple seeds lodged in the colon of a bear. That’s one reason – along with the nice weather – why we haven’t been posting as often as we have in the past. It’s also why I’ve been subsisting on 5-hour energy drinks and Ellio’s, why my apartment is littered with empty Tums bottles, why my sink is full of prickly beard trimmings and toothpaste, and why I wore one ankle sock and one tube sock today.

For those of you who are also staring down some exams, and not for the cruel few of you who are taunting me right now, here’s Staker’s Guide to Getting Through Finals:

  • Step One: Relax

Now is not the time to panic, or stop drinking. That’s because every time you write a page, Al Qaeda gets a hemorrhoid. And if you’re playing the old hemorrhoid drinking game, that’s two drinks (only one drink in the Al Qaeda drinking game).

  • Step Two: Less Is More

When it comes to papers, quality is better than quantity. Steal some mildly relevant info-graphics from the internet. Really hammer home your point by quoting at length from the Declaration of Independence. Launch into a detailed discussion on the merits of the designated hitter. Your professors will thank you later, because it’s all about presentation.

  • Step Three: Carefully-Timed Douchebaggery

Blow off some steam by flipping off children, stealing peoples’ lug nuts, clotheslining the homeless, and running from the police. Providing yourself with these little interludes will give you a much-needed break from work, and they’ll also burn calories, fatty.

  • Step Four: Stimulants FTW

Thanks to the lifetime of suffering that someone in Guatemala is currently living, coffee beans can be purchased in enormous quantities for a surprisingly small amount of money. My advice: don’t even bother grinding them. Just chew those suckers up and wash ‘em down with Jolt Cola, if they’re still cooking up that heart attack juice out there somewhere. No? Then see if you can find some Mountain Dew Code Red.  Better yet, just swallow them with some coffee.  Yeah, that’d be the badass thing to do.

  • Step Five: Stimulants Recovery

If you’re like me and the left side of your face is twitching in perfect time with the clock, then stop whining. If you wanted to sleep this week then you shouldn’t have eaten all those coffee beans.

  • Step Six: Style

Buy a bathrobe. Seriously, do it.