You Ought To Be Ashamed

I Am Not Ashamed.” Well, you should be. I certainly am, seeing as I live on the same continent as you people.

Under the umbrella of a Christian organization by the name of Answers in Genesis, the blog/fecal catapult “I Am Not Ashamed” blisters up through the skin of the internet. It is a festering, rotten sore of simplistic and inherently contradictory belief systems, worsened by blind faith in an imaginary superpower – one which allows you to irrefutably confirm that the entire Bible actually happened. Hey evangelical Christians: how’d you discover time travel without real science? Does the time machine run on sexual purity? Repressed homosexual urges? Pure, distilled self-righteousness? The shredded remains of original copies of the Constitution? All of these things?

Hell of a saddle burn there.

You are so on the Shit List, “I Am Not Ashamed.” I mean, truly, you can’t possibly mean it when you say:

I am not ashamed began with a simple conversation and prayerful consideration of what message America needs to hear most right now. We knew we wanted a message that would focus on the Word of God… We also wanted a message that would offer a clear call to Christians around the world to stand unashamedly and uncompromisingly on the Bible.

Beyond this and of great importance to us, the message needed to address and have a measurable impact on present day issues, such as homosexuality, marriage, abortion and creation vs. evolution. And it needed to point to a source (God’s Word) and a place (AiG) where people could find answers.

Seriously? I never heard about anybody ever using the Bible to justify discrimination or deny the merits of science. Never, ever. Of course, by that I mean I hadn’t heard it yet today until your gay-hating, climate-change-denying website wiped its ass on my eyeballs.

The big problem with this, of course, is that they make it sound like we haven’t been putting up with these ludicrous evangelicals shoving the Bible down our throats for our entire waking lives like petulant children who always want attention. Like we’ve never heard of or read the Bible before. These people are all over the news for spending their lives systematically dismantling the separation of church and state, but no, the real problem is that some of us like to drink beer, have premarital sex, sleep late on Sunday, or do whatever we’re doing that they’re against this week (and it’s always something).

Let me tell you something, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob: I went to Catholic school for eighteen years. You can fool some people – hence, LDS – but you can’t fool me. I’ve had it with this Bible-spewing. I read that shit a million times. Check this out:

And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people. – Leviticus 20:18

This is from the King James version, in the same chapter of the same book as the verse that allegedly condemns homosexuality. Basically, if your girlfriend is on the rag and you get down anyway, you get exiled. Even if it’s by accident. They should be coming for me any minute now. See you guys in the Falklands.

A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them. – Leviticus 20:27

Alrighty. Killin’ wizards. Pretty standard stuff right there. Explains why they’re always throwing rocks at Daniel Radcliffe. Let’s see…

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner. – 1 Peter 3:7

How am I supposed to keep all these weak-ass bitches in line? Ah, thanks God. You’re the best.

This is what the Lord says: “Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight.” – 2 Samuel 12:11

Uh, are we talking about God orchestrating outdoor adulterous gang-bangs in broad daylight? Damn, God, you’re like the cosmic Larry Flynt. If God had a porno mag, he couldn’t send it to you in the mail.

“O Lord what will you give them? Give them wombs that miscarry …. Ephraim is blighted, their root is withered, they yield no fruit. Even if they bear children, I will slay their cherished offspring.” – Hosea 9:14-16

…and now God’s an abortion doctor, sitting on a big throne up there, eating fetuses like pistachios and washing ‘em down with a big old glass of look-at-these-Bible-thumping-douchebags-now.

This is what Answers in Genesis are trying to get you to believe. They are concerned about your welfare because you don’t think that all these things come to bear daily on how you live your life. Oh yes, “I Am Not Ashamed,” you’re on the Shit List, and you’re staying there until the Rapture.