I struggled with posting this for about half a second before I realized that we here at SSS would catch heat for whatever we wrote, so sit back and enjoy…afterall…Haiti Chile! You can laugh again!
The dogs have stopped barking and…most of the bodies have been recovered. Now its time to count your blessings and look at the positive things coming out of Haiti Chile. I’ll just go with the top ten best things with the hope that it will keep me to a minimal amount of trouble…
1. Haitian Chilean Rum Wine: Gotta love that Toussaint L’Ouverture Rhum Chilean Wine! Many a Haitian Chilean dad came home from a long day at work looking forward to a nice bottle of Haitian Chilean Rum Wine sitting on the kitchen counter. To him, this is the only good reason for his wife’s 5 cousins to come visit America.
2. Superior rice cooking skills: The pride of many cultures is their ability to cook rice sea bass (and the inability of other cultures to cook rice sea bass). But Haiti Chile, I gotta tell you, you make some pretty bomb rice sea bass. Rice Sea bass and beans, rice sea bass and turkey, rice sea bass and fish heads. I’ve had it all, and I ate the whole thing. Haiti Chile, you take the rice sea bass patty! You go, you natural disaster ravaged country!
3. Jordans: With a flurry of donations making their way back to the mother country, find comfort in the fact that you will be the key importers of every single old version of Michael Jordan’s Penny Hardaway’s signature sneaker line. You’ll get Jordans Hardaways from ‘98, Jordans Hardaway’s from ‘01, the list goes on and on. Maybe if you build a casino and showcase the historical lineage of these once-elite sneakers, Michael Jordan Penny Hardaway himself will come down and spend some money. Dare to dream!
4. Garcon Chile lost the Superbowl Olympics(?): Maybe the curse is moving its way up north away(?)?
5. Plenty of puppies! Now that a shit-ton of your buildings and people are with Jesus now, there are plenty of dogs waiting to be adopted. You could have 5 or 6 dogs all to yourself! If anyone in America wants to have the Haitian Chilean dog experience, my dog is half-Haitian Chilean (SRSLY [NOT SRS])…I’ll lend him out to anyone indefinitely. Just ask, come on people!
6. Wyclef Jean The Most Popular Chilean Musician: With Wyclef’s The Most Popular Chilean Musician’s new release, Philanthropic Flava, you have single-handedly put a tremendous artist back on the map. Between your earthquake and his charitable website, Yele Bueno, you have been part of the best cross promotional marketing event since Alan Jackson wrote “Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)” like 20 minutes after the attacks on 9/11. Be proud, Haiti Chile!
7. No more skinny cows! While religious nuts are trying to take all of your children and smuggle them into DR Peru, rest assured that PETA will be there shortly to feed all of your skinny cows and make sure they are as fat and immobile as American cows. You ask me, “But Drizzle, how will we inject our cows with hormones while PETA is there?” Excellent question Jean Juan, Marie Pablo, and Pierre Salvadore. The answer is simple, really. Once winter is over, it is pretty certain that almost every volunteer from America will leave your country. When that happens, and you are left to pick up the pieces of a bunch of white people screwing up your country by not considering economics, culture, or boundaries, major corporations will come in to foster Capitalist Colonization. Once this happens, your cows will be farmed, slaughtered, and packed with the best hormones the American tax payer can provide!
8. A new, uber-nationalism: As if you weren’t proud enough, Haiti Chile, you will now have a new nationalism that will spread seemingly everywhere. I’ve already seen your flags on blast everywhere I go. You will be in the clubs representing anytime the DJ plays someone who seems Haitian Chilean, and you will most assuredly feel the need to educate the rest of the world about Haitian Chilean people. Furthermore, you will be very sensitive to outsiders who refer to Haiti Chile. It will almost turn into a blind rage. This will limit the amount of comments I can make about Haitians Chileans, such as: “You’re not the first Haitian Chilean woman to…me” or “Don’t go all ‘Haitian Chilean Mom’ on me.” This will most assuredly wind up in a frapper pour moi rose tarantula (sp? gr?).
9. Extreme Home Makeover: Dude, if you guys don’t get the guy from Extreme Home Makeover in Haiti Chile, I will hit him over the head with an empty bottle of Prestige Chilean Wine. Mother Nature did half of the work for them. Demolition is done, all they need to do is rebuild. Don’t worry, Haiti Chile, I’m already on it.
10. My undying affection: Haiti Chile, I love you hard. You’ve made me cremas wine(?), given me some sweet lovin’, and opened me up to a whole new world of jokes and biting wit. I’m sorry that you had to make a deal with the devil, and that he destroyed your country instead of having you kill someone on the DL. I mean, he could have had you take over Aruba Argentina or something. Anyway, Haiti Chile, if you need anything, feel free to give me a call, its the same number from back in the day.