Breaking News: All-Out Death and Destruction on the Political Stage!

What we have here is all-out partisan warfare.

No, I’m not talking about health care reform or the Senate jobs bill. I mean that Democrats and Republicans are engaging in actual battles to the death. They are using guerilla tactics to try and take each other out on the down-low. They’re leaving the set of Meet the Press and heading right down to the seedy pawn shop back rooms and filthy alleyways of New York and Washington D.C. They’re colluding to bring about the ultimate destruction of their political foes. Who knows what kinds of weapons they’ve gotten their hands on by now? Chemical? Biological? Nuclear? Something even more terrifyingly destructive?

This thing goes all the way to the top, people.

I began to suspect that something was awry about two weeks ago, on February 11th. That day, seemingly out of nowhere, Bill Clinton was hospitalized and had to have minor heart surgery. Bubba is a well-known lifelong fast-food enthusiast and in many ways has not led a particularly healthy lifestyle, but still I quipped that Sugar Shack Shit List mainstay Dick “Penis” Cheney was behind Clinton’s supposed accident. Then, today, the Penis himself was hospitalized for chest pains, and it all clicked.

First, Ted Kennedy gets brain cancer and dies from it. Well, he was old, right? Wikipedia says that “aside from exposure to vinyl chloride or ionizing radiation, there are no known environmental factors associated with brain tumors.” Vinyl chloride is an intermediate chemical which results during the manufacture of PVC, and one of the largest producers of PVC plastic raw materials and intermediates in the U.S. is Texas-based Petrochem United, Inc., who curiously have no website of their own.

Texas Senator John Cornyn, who was chair of the National Republican Senatorial Committee at the time of Kennedy’s diagnosis in early 2008, must have seen his party’s crushing electoral defeat coming well before November of that year. So he gets his lieutenants together, and they figure, let’s cut the head off the Democratic Party. Not Obama – too obvious. Not Reid – he’s not well-respected enough. Go for Kennedy. So he began to poison Teddy’s scotch, ever so slightly, with a few drops of vinyl chloride from his corporate pals at Petrochem United every day.

Were the Democrats in the dark apropos of the NRSC’s despicable death-dealing plan? Of course not. They were developing a plan of their own. Should we call the Republicans out, they had asked themselves, and risk losing credibility over what will be perceived as wildly off-base accusations? In the end, the decision was made: let the Lion go. His persistent attempts at bipartisanship had chafed the asses of the Democratic leadership for too long anyway. The Democrats began to plan their revenge. Alas, not all was to unfold favorably.

During the 2008 election season, word spread through top-level political circles of the dastardly Republican plot and the Democrats’ planned restitution. The first phase of the Democratic plan involved securing as many foot soldiers as possible, and they achieved that goal by winning back both houses of Congress and the White House that November. The Republicans, besieged, then blocked every aspect of the Democratic agenda in a half-hearted effort to buy time. Since Ronald Reagan and William F. Buckley were both already dead, there was no clear target, and many Republicans began to wonder whether they might be next.

Sarah Palin, fearing that it would be she, resigned the governorship of Alaska, to the relief of Alaskans. Some time passed, and everything seemed to have quieted down. That is, until conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh was hospitalized with chest pains on the last day of 2009, proving once and for all that he is, indeed, the leader of the Republican Party.

The Republicans get pissed. They’re furious. The voice of the hard right, the sleazy prophet, the bombastic Krishna of the Republican Party has had his health compromised by the liberal side, and balls-out war erupts on the Eastern front. First, the Republicans take out John Murtha. Evan Bayh runs for his life like a bitch, back to Indiana, refusing to choose a side in the conflict. Then the Republicans try to eliminate Bill Clinton, but Hillary shows up at the last minute and roundhouse kicks the syringe of heart-attack-inducing chemicals out of Cheney’s penis-like hand. She vows revenge, and she soon gets it – just like the time when she strangled Monica Lewinsky with piano wire and paid her young neighbor to undergo plastic surgery and live out the rest of her life as the infamous California ho-bag.

G.I. Hillary first sets her sights on some long-time enemies. Because George W. Bush has smeared lamb’s blood on all the entrances to his Dallas home, she is forced to pass him over. However, former Senate Majority Leader and 1996 Republican presidential hopeful Bob Dole is not so lucky, and neither is Cheney; they both narrowly escape death on the same day.

Hillary and her Foggy Bottom militia are clearly just getting started. While she was out putting Dole and Cheney in the hospital, her husband Bill, now fully recovered, happily said over a few cheeseburgers at Fox News that the 2010 midterm elections won’t be nearly as bad for the Democrats as they were in 1994. To Fox News! He said it right to their faces! But what he didn’t say is that the reason for his smugness is because Hillary’s on a rampage. Last time that happened? Somalia.

It’s on now, folks.

Stay tuned to Sugar Shack for up-to-the-minute breaking news and updates. The carnage is just beginning.