The Sunday Paper – Special Labor Day Edition

You’re fired!

Happy Labor Day. It’s the Sunday Paper!

*  *  *

We can confidently say that no happy endings will come of this.  Way to go, Martha – you’re like a Christian mother who caught Massachusetts masturbating in his bedroom.

Well, thank God the insurers are okay!  Looks like Hartford, Connecticut can rest easy now.  The only good part about this debacle was watching our good buddy Pete “the Meat” Bouchard compare his ejaculate to gale-force winds.

Good for you, Newton. Things have been really tough for you lately. It’s good to see such a good thing happen to such an impoverished, needy community. Next stop, legacy admission to Harvard! You even get two new classes: “Intro to Ponzi” and “Influence Peddling 101.”

I’m a Mac because I believe Stephen Lynch loves pancreatic cancer, and wipes his ass with the flag. Also, I heard they don’t get viruses.

This is Mac D’Alessandro. He’s running against Stephen Lynch in the Democratic primary for Congress this election season. Although these ads are not nearly as hilarious as they could be, they do offer a few facts which may prove useful for voters come election day.  Firstly, Stephen Lynch was an ironworker – a fact that few of us have ever been aware of. Second, Mac D’Alessandro isn’t from Southie. Third, they both have supporters who are willing to go on TV in order to get their family member transferred to the “good rehab.” We all know who’s going to win. The question is: Steve, when are you going to take care of those jowls?

Well, you know the rule.  If the pizza takes more than a half an hour…

This is a fairly accurate re-creation of the University’s 1972 attempt at rolling the world’s biggest joint.

Like ash on the living room carpet, these are the days of our lives.

Unfortunately, they also set the record that year for largest joint laced with PCP. Since then, 32% of the student body at U. Mass. has been imaginary.

The prosecution in this case has more ass-injection stories than the abandoned bathrooms in Marine Park. Not surprisingly, Andy Pettite has been implicated in not one, but two of these controversies.

We have to stop Iran from executing this woman! But who can we get to intercede? Has to be someone who 74 million Islamic fundamentalists will trust. Oh, I know! The Pope!

This is a real picture of Pope Benedict.

This week marked move-in day at various Boston-area colleges and universities. Or, as Staker and Drizzle like to call it, “Barely Legal Day.” Good to get a look at some of the girls we’ll be drunkenly trying to pick up at the bar in three years. It’s like a farm team for slutty bar chicks! Also, that mess in Allston was probably already there. I personally pooped behind a dumpster there, like, two hours ago.

Yes. We should be teaching our children useful skills, like how to lie their way onto welfare, how to stand in an unemployment line, and how not to get their hair caught in a loom.

This is a joke. There's no manufacturing jobs anymore - not even horrifying ones we can trick children into doing.

*  *  *

Enjoy your Labor Day, everyone. Love, Staker and Drizzle.

P.S. – We hope your job is there when you get back.