How To Go Down Swinging in 2010: By A Very Weary Drizzle.

Karma, you've owed me since Father Bonaventure...

The past month has been mad aggy for your boy, The Drizzle.  I have seen a grown-ass woman deconstruct a pepper grinder and cut herself seven times on the wrist.  I have seen heartache, suicide attemps, and even a Jewish comedian point to an Italian guy and say, “Hey Gino, how’d your day go? (If you need me to explain that, then you don’t deserve to understand the joke.)

That being said, I feel that I deserve the right to lift my heroin needle up high as the ball drips on New Year’s and without any protest be able to say, “2010 sucked the motherfuckin’ cock-clastic-cock (true alliteration) of all time!”  …And it’s only September… So I decided to think about the next few months and the ways that things could go wrong for any of us….So without further adieu, I present:


1.  Install a lipstick camera in your boss’s favorite bathroom stall, and create a shortcut to the link in the shared network folder.

Never underestimate the power of iSight!

2.  Hold The Discovery Channel hostage (again) until Chris Farley makes Tommy Boy 2. Then blow up Pitchmen when they can’t come through.


3.  Join Team Jacob.

I knew it!

4.  Create a Facebook Group titled, “My Girlfriend Gave Me Our Dog As A Breakup Present” (I’m looking at several of you [and you know who you are] to create this.  {All men})

I can cook rice better than white people.

5.  Try to outdo the Craigslist Killer by writing the URL to your M4M post with your own semen.

French Vanilla: Just Milk

6.  Soak American Spirits in a glass of water in an awkward attempt to kill yourself, which merely results in you picking up trash along the highway while crying.

Am I talking to a water cooler right now?

7.  Put an end to extremist Muslims by blowing up as many of their 72 virgins as possible with explosives strapped to your cock.

Please don't blow up Southie.

8.  Make your Fantasy Football picks based entirely on Jim Clayton’s opinions

Nose Picker!

9.  Renew your subscription to Sirius Satellite Radio based entirely on your faith in Howard Stern’s Loyalty.

Anyone hear of these Podcast things?

10.  Dress Dick Clark up as Ryan Seacrest.  Put him out in the December/January weather, and put an end to the terror!

Blue balls? No! Blue Dick!