Not only do yuppies try to shape the grooming landscape, but they try to replace our Pit-bulls and Rottweilers with this genetic abortion.
As my hetero-life-mate, there are many reasons why I love Staker. I have known him for nearly 17 years, and I remember vividly the day we met in our little league coach’s apartment in the Old Colony Housing Projects. But of all the reasons why I would love this hairy little grease-ball, I would have to say that I love him most for his ability to piss people off, and attract more violent energy than a hillbilly wearing steel overhauls.
What can also be a tragic character flaw really pays off here on The Shack, and the amount of heat we’ve received for his March 11th post, Passing Judgment on Fenway Bark, has lead us to make new enemeies of Zeltsonic proportions (mainly because his post is number 6 when you Google “fenway bark.” That can’t be good for business. Oops!). Now we don’t really care if you take your dog to a spa, just like we don’t care if you go down to Bella Sante on Newbury Street for a botox and Brazillian. The point is that there are many more practical uses for the limited property here in South Boston.
The most striking thing about the reaction we’ve witnessed is that we seem to have reached a cultural Gettysburg here in Southie, between the freedom-loving, steak and potatoes, never-say-die local yocals (as our friend Alana likes to say) of South Boston (the north), and the slave-trading, seven-Lexus-owning, hovering-over-my-bar-stool yuppies of the south. It is for this reason that I – the foremost dog owner of Sugar Shack Southie – must place Fenway Bark on the Shit List.
Now you ask, “The Drizzle, what does Fenway Bark have to do with this cold war with the yuppies?” Well, children, it has to do with the fact that the schism seems to be clearly defined between the yuppies, who approve of Fenway Bark, and the natives, who clearly think it’s a waste. If this was World War I, Fenway Bark would be Archduke Franz Ferdinand. This is an argument between the Menino-nut-sucking yuppies who have no snow emergency parking etiquette, and the blue collar champions of all things not-giving-a-shit-about-Menino who just want to have a beer on sunday without hearing you cheer for the Jets.
A Southie dog if I ever saw one.
One thing I did not realize was that these smallpox infested yuppies share as much disdain for us natives as we do for them. I mean, we complain about how they hover over our seats at the bar, but I guess they must complain that we take up all the seats (a fair trade-off I think; they get all the parking spots, we get the good side of the Farragut House). That being said, I really don’t give a shit. These yuppies are going to go one of two ways – and I am dead serious about this, I am not making an attempt at humor:
A. Something bad will happen in Southie, or the economy will finally hit them, and they will peel out like they’re on their way to the biggest antique auction ever. Or…
B. (And I really mean this) They will stay in Southie for the remainder of their days. Become instilled in the community. Raise their kids here. Then one day Black families will start to move in, the old-school yuppies will get pissed, thinking their property value will be ruined, and they will either become openly intolerant, or move out. In a way, history repeated. Srsly. I’ve seen the way they look at the Half-Haitian Dog.
But a word to my friends, the yuppies. Don’t think that we here at The Sugar Shack are merely troglodytic fossils who organize the annual street-hockey tournament. We know you. We’ve been among your kind and you haven’t even known it. We may be standing next to you right now. Wherever there’s a stolen sandwich board, we’ll be there. Wherever there’s a case of warm Sam Adams Light, we’ll be there. Wherever there’s a girl arguing with a senior citizen about whether or not he can save his space with a radiator, we’ll be there. We are: The Yuppie Avengers.
<3 The Drizzle
I agree. It’s time they go on the Shit List.
I’d like to add my two cents here: whoever comes on this blog and has the audacity to invoke the free market principle of supply and demand as they defend the asinine and culturally bankrupt business model that is Fenway Bark is implicitly, and immediately, on the Shit List as well. I’m very proud of all of you for having taken Intro to Microeconomics in college, but you must understand on some level that there’s more than buying and selling shit that goes into making a city thrive.
I get that you’re yuppies and you don’t care. Whatever, I don’t care about some things either (like your health and welfare). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: just stay out of my personal jackass-free zone.
Love,
Staker
The guy that started this fight
I think it’s a fair statement to say that the 65% of current population of Southie who moved in since Whitey went “on the lam” 15 years ago don’t give a damn about the knuckle dragging inbred urban hillbilly white trash pissing on the sidewalks outside our million dollar condos. And why should we?
You’re right, of course,we hate your freaking guts, and you’re finally realizing that we actually hate you, way, way more than you hate us. It just took you a long time to realize it. We’re used to it, so we’ll talk even slower, and write is in big letters with your favorite crayon if it will help you keep up. OK Sully?
We don’t give a shit about the old corner store that’s not there anymore, or Jimmy Kelly and the crooked politicians who kept your alcoholic relatives on the city payroll with no show jobs. We’d like nothing better than to see you all disappear down the sewers like so much green beer vomit at your cultural apex of the St.Patrick’s Day parade. Can I be any more clear on that?
Do you think we enjoy rubbing elbows with you in bars, or feigning interest in opinions spouted by old “Born in Southie” morons bemoaning how “this isn’t the way we do things in Southie” every stinking day? If you can imagine yourselves spending every day living brain damaged chimps swilling cheap beer, walking around with buzz cuts, polyester track pants and sweat crusted baseball caps, then you know how we feel. Please, please die off faster, you’re just not disappearing quick enough. I’ll pay every old time Southie dirt bag, a bounty of a 30 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon or similar cheap shit beer, for every one of your inbred, green toothed, 80 IQ point brethren you kill off. I’ll even double my offer for any breeding age, “Born in Southie” resident who’ll have a vasectomy or get her tubes tied so you stop reproducing. Do we have a deal? I’ll kick in a plastic pint bottle of no name vodka to close the deal if I have to. You know the ones, they’re the kind you leave all over the Stop & Shop parking lot, or the ones I trip over on E. Broadway every day. Yeah, I knew you’re familiar with those bottles. As far as blacks moving in, the thing that scares you, not us, most, it would be a vast improvement over you. You see, they would be buying the million dollar condos, along with us. We went to college with them, and grad school too. Ooh, scary eh? “Educated Negroes”, what will they think of next? Why if this continues, there might be a Harvard educated black governor of Massachusetts, or heaven forbid, a Harvard educated black President of the United States some day.
Please continue voting for crooked self serving politicians like city councilman Linehan, Jackie Hart, and similar dinosaurs who’s sole qualification for office is an assortment of green ties and knowledge of lame Irish drinking song lyrics. This way I can be sure that anything you have to say will be ignored by the actual power brokers who get things done.
Your days are numbered. We’re buying up every shit hole 3 decker and chicken coupe shack that comes on the market, fixing them up and pricing you out. We’ll push the rents up so high you have no choice but to move out.
You will not be missed.
We’ll piss on your parents graves for raising low life scum like you, who keyed our BMW’s on the way to your bus stop, when you’re living in Brockton. Tell the last “Born in Southie” scumbag to not let the door hit him in the ass as he moves out.
So if you don’t like the Fenway Bark dog hotel, that’s the surest sign possible that it will be a monster success. It wasn’t ever meant you, or your sorry ass pit bull. It’s for the other 65% of Southie, and anyone who has the coin to pay their intentionally higher prices. They don’t want to subject their customers to people like you. Stay away. OK?
Keep up the good work killing each other off, and remember my offer stands if you’re neutered and can’t reproduce yourselves.
P.S.
By the way, the term Yuppie went out of style around the early 80’s, just like your haircuts. But please don’t quit using it, because it helps us identify you as a moron that much quicker, and don’t stop wearing the polyester striped track pants either. They are the “Piece de resistance” in every “Born in Southie’s” wardrobe.
Bye Bye Morons!
@Southie Killer
Alice, I like your style. It fits in nicely with our polyester clad approach. Surely the only way to tell us apart from you and your undersized, spandex jogging shorts (revealing the cellulite that you are) is our bloodied, calloused knuckles. I do have one caveat, however. Anyone who knows the true, “Born in Southie” ilk knows that we stopped drinking vodka generations ago. Vodka is the true kryptonite to the sons and daughters of Ireland.
Furthermore, there is no great loss in being excluded from a club that would say, “Fenway Bark is OUR kind of place, so stay away!” You will never get my dilapidated three decker, nor will you ever see us key your (1997) BMW. Lighter fluid that reveals a beautifully designed, “See You Next Tuesday” after a beautiful summer shower is more our style.
In terms of the race card; No one here at The Shack cares what race, color, or creed moves into Southie, as long as they’re not the Blue Moon and orange slice drinking, Lisa Loeb karaoke singing, 15% tipping whack-ass asses. Also, why do you keep talking about my balls? It makes me feel uncomfortable.
BTW…who do you think sold you those million dollar condos? It was those “Born in Southie” inbred, urban white trash that knew that these century-old structures weren’t worth more than a buck-twenty (actually, they probably sold for 750k, and the rest was spent on brand new plumbing, electrical wiring, and roofing). They’re not in Brockton either, they’re in Hingham using your mom’s glory hole while she checks off Scott Brown on her absentee ballot before she vacations in Saint Thomas.
So for all you sixty-five-percenters out there, dare to dream. Most of you are too greedy to give up the section-eight money to correctly establish your dream of a purely WASP neighborhood. You may out-price the natives within several generations, but your love of poorly crafted imports will only assure that you bring in other white trash from Weymouth and Revere.
Alice you ignorant slut. Why do you hate America? Why do you hate yourself?
PS I don’t know how many times I have to say this: The old corner is still there. Your anger and complaints are proof of this. You’re living in denial. The natives that moved out left because they ripped you off, not because they were out-priced.
…also, the term “Yuppy” was popularized in Southie during the 90’s, just like your blond-streaked bob.
“Knuckle dragging inbred urban hillbilly white trash”? I have a master’s degree from an Ivy League school. I normally don’t volunteer that information because I’m not interested in feeling like I’m better than all the people around me, like you are. The reason why we dislike people like you is because you’re ignorant enough to assume that we’re stupid, stupid.
No shit. This whole time i thought the entire “us vs. them” thing was in your head. Wtf goes on in southie?
@Staker – “I have a master’s degree from an Ivy League school. I normally don’t volunteer that information because I’m not interested in feeling like I’m better than all the people around me, like you are.”
Do you solve difficult math problems in the halls of MIT, too? How does your buddy, Ben Affleck, feel about your holding back your potential to hang in Southie with your childhood buddies in Old Colony? We’ve seen that movie before. Try something original.
How proud your parents must be of the investment they made in you and how it has been squandered on this stupid blog (how could they NOT be proud of the crap you post on this site to inspire a new generation to be less than they can be?)
Even if what you say is true about your educational degrees, it doesn’t mean you have a lick of sense. Clearly from the quality of what you post and the desire to bring people down, you haven’t received a valuable education at all.
I’m quite certain that whatever Ivy League school you attended is delighted that you didn’t specify the name of the institution because I am sure they would rather NOT have you as a portrait of one of their alumni.
Don’t bother posting a response, Ben is waiting in the Chevy outside your three decker with a hot Dunkees. Go to him.
@JJCAFE
Alice, we know this is you. Actually, it has probably been you all along. Does anybody notice that all the yuppy complainers around here are all women? There is not one dude that has busted our chops for wasting our time on this “stupid blog.” Alice, or Alana, or JJ must either own Fenway Bark, or have heavy financial investments in its anal gland drainage department.
A few rebuttals from your most recent comment…
1: Ben Affleck is not sitting outside of Staker’s house with Double D’s, that’s me. We don’t drink hot coffee either. Iced coffee year round, babe.
2: We don’t hang out in Old Colony, we just narrowly averted a potential double molestation there.
3: A Good Will Hunting reference is not too original on your part, toots.
4: Staker really hasn’t squandered too much of his time on this stupid blog. I’m the one that stays up late photoshopping dead celebrities’ faces on special population magazines…it’s really god’s work.
5: What’s worse? Wasting time creating this website, or wasting time reading and responding to it? (Thank you for reading and responding by the way. I love you like a half-sister for that)
Ben is from Cambridge. He’s not out there. Staker, after you respond, I’m waiting outside in the Dodge.
Ben Affleck? Silly Alice. If you really read this blog, you would know that I have suggested he be sued for making Smokin’ Aces.
I want to take this back a few steps and just point out that all I said in the original post was that Fenway Bark is a stupid idea, and then I explained why I feel that way. You made it personal, and frankly, you have said some disgusting and troubling things. It’s clear that you have a financial stake in the dog hotel. This will be my final response to you.
First of all, your IP address calls up a location in DUXBURY.
Secondly, this is a blog, dude. We do this for fun. It’s not our job, as you seem to imply. And “bringing people down”? No, just you, apparently.
As for me and my education, I could sit here and type out my CV for you but I’m not going to do that. I’m fine with you thinking that I’m the type of guy who has to get up at 5am to go work on a construction site, because that is an honest lifestyle. Why you would insinuate that there’s something wrong with it is beyond me. You seem to have a deficit of understanding.
Just one thing though: why are we talking about this? I just expressed the opinion that Fenway Bark is ridiculous. What, I’m not allowed to do that? I still think it’s ridiculous. If you can threaten to piss on my parents’ graves, then I can say your business is stupid.
At the end of the day, we know people like you and we know how you think. I realize I’m not going to change your (twisted) mind, because your identity is wrapped up in believing that you’re swooping in and saving the world from what you characterize as the ignorant lower-class. That’s pretty fucked up, but believe it if you want I guess.
Lastly, my parents read this blog all the time.