Posts by The Staker:

    Blair Ravish, Your Are On The Shit List!

    December 9th, 2014

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    See that shit?  That’s a “scene kid.”  I never knew they had a name.  I guess I thought that was just what happened to kids who witnessed murders as children and went on to get picked last in gym class.  And then, uh, badly misunderstand all the little nuances of human interaction, leading to alienation and self-loathing.  I’m having a hard time pushing the funny through all the sadness.  Suffice it to say that these kids make your everyday, run-of-the-mill strenuous efforts to look messy.

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    Two libertarians walk into a bar. Bartender says, “Get your own drink.”

    April 21st, 2011

    When I worked in the service industry, I used to hear from a lot of people that the number one faux-pas of the job was to openly discuss politics.  The implicit reason, of course, was that you never know who you’re talking to, and you might make somebody angry.   Read the rest of this entry “

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    The Strange Smell in the Room: Is it You?

    February 25th, 2011

    It’s the end of February, and it’s been almost three months since I left my apartment for something other than food, class, or a night of getting blackout-drunk enough to not feel like the winter is pushing my soul through a colander made of frozen shit. Not only am I developing a pretty majestic beer gut from all this sitting around, but I’ve arrived at a point where I have to wear sunglasses whenever I leave the house, even if it’s cloudy. Salinger wasn’t this much of a recluse. If it weren’t for TV, I might have forgotten how to say words by now.
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    Failway Bark

    September 13th, 2010

    Yesterday, Fenway Bark founder Jane Fulton announced, amid several paragraphs of mean-spirited sarcasm and bullshittery, that the fancy kennel she is trying to open in Southie is changing prospective locations.

    In case you’ve missed our commentary on Fenway Bark thus far, it’s first here and then here, and kind of here.  Unfortunately, our disagreements with Ms Fulton et al, which recently resulted in Fenway Bark’s permanent Shit List-ification, have descended in tone to the level of ad hominem verbal aggression.  So, with that in mind, I’d like to say that Fenway Bark is gay.  Gay, gay, gay. Read the rest of this entry “

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    The Sunday Paper

    August 29th, 2010

    Oh shit, velociraptor on a bicycle!

    It’s the Sunday Paper! Read the rest of this entry “

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    Staker’s Guide to Recession-Proof Living

    August 28th, 2010

    Yesterday morning, the Associated Press reported that economic growth in this country slowed to a rate of 1.6%. But hey, it’s still growing, right?

    Actually, reports that Ben Bernanke is now weeping softly in a broom closet over at the Fed while Larry Summers and Tim Geithner play Russian roulette in the Capitol rotunda may contradict that positive outlook. On the bright side, America has rediscovered its love for Ramen noodles and self-loathing. Read the rest of this entry “

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    The Sunday Paper

    August 22nd, 2010

    Groovin’… on a Sunday afternoon…

    It’s the Sunday Paper! Read the rest of this entry “

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    Sinners, Repent!

    August 19th, 2010

    Recently, the Staker’s critics have been engaging in somewhat of a feeding frenzy.  I can call it that because we don’t get your standard, run-of-the-mill internet trolls on this blog.  We only get people who actively dislike us specifically.  And I love that!  It means that I’m getting my point across.

    To offer a little background, the Staker has garnered Shack heat for making the following two innocuous assertions:

    1. Crime fiction based in Southie is an idea that is played out.
    2. Fenway Bark is ridiculous.

    Everything else I’ve written has been along the lines of How to wrestle a shark and What if Jersey Shore were set in the Congo?. Read the rest of this entry “

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    Betrayed Forever by the Booty Pop

    July 27th, 2010

    It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to look at a woman’s chest without the fear of false advertising. In the 90’s – right around the time when I started to notice that there were boobs all around me – I was betrayed, and now I’m being betrayed again. Allow me to elaborate.

    When the Wonderbra gained international prominence nearly two decades ago, it changed my life for the worse: never again would I enjoy the luxury of knowing the true character of a given set of boobs before meeting them in person. For men who prefer the view from the back, however, there was no such obstruction, and they continued to live their lives largely unaware of the nefarious class of elaborately-designed underwear that has cast doubt upon every boob in America. That’s all about to change because of the Booty Pop.

    It’s a Wonderbra for your bum. I mean, am I going to have to start judging women based on their personalities? This is outrageous.

    In the infomercial above, spokes-booty Natasha raves about everything that Booty Pop has done for her:

    “What I love about Booty Pop is the lift, and the shape, and the roundness.”

    Well, Natasha, what I hate about Booty Pop is the damn, dirty lies. I can’t speak for all men when I say this, but why, Natasha, why? I’m sure your booty is just fine the way it is. Variety is the spice of booty.

    I’m not going to comment about what this means for the women’s movement or anything. I’m just saying that if I get lucky and then find myself face to face with a Booty Pop, I’m going to be confused – just like you would be confused if I walked around with a cucumber in my pants. If you can’t be honest, at least be nice: when you want to trick a dude into thinking you’re hotter than you are, use beer. Trust us, it works.

    Booty Pop, you’re on the Shit List until my apparati stop working.

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    The Sunday Paper

    July 25th, 2010

    Luckily for you, now you can get your news from the Shack.  Allow me to tell you what to think about everything in our new segment, The Sunday Paper.

    Extrey! Extrey! We're all gonna die!

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